Joke Thread

Teacher has asked kids to bring something of their homes medical supplies, to school, to talk about them. A lot of them bring bandages and thermometers, some bring disinfectants, but little Tom brought a breathing machine.
Teacher is surprised and asks: "Who does this belong to?"
Tom: "My grandfather."
Teacher: "And what did your grandfather tell you, when you took it?"
Tom: "Nothing, just sighed."
 
Some college students were debating in class about the existence of extrasensory perception.

After the discussion went on for a while the teacher decided to take a poll,
"How many of you believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand?"
 
Secretaries of a big company are talking about their work skills, only the newest of them sits quietly, and does not say anything. Finally the colleagues ask, if she has any special skills, to be proud of.
She says quietly: "I can type 1200 letters per minute."
Everyone is baffled, until she adds: "But it's total gibberish."
 
Russian wakes up with a terrible headache and discovers he is in a jail cell. Soon he is taken to see the investigating officer, who asks him to explain, in his own words, what does he remember, from last night.
"Well, we went hunting for wild boar." Starts the man carefully. "We went to the ambush site, and waited, but no pigs."
Officer: "You started drinking?"
Hunter: "Yes, naturally we had couple of vodkas, and kept waiting."
Officer: "And kept drinking?"
Hunter: "Well yes, at first. But then one of my companions said, that we should go to another ambush site, we would definitely have better luck there. So we went."
Officer: "And drank?"
Hunter: "While walking yes, we had few more vodkas. So we arrived to the next spot, and barely get settled in, when I see a pig running. So I set up my gun, to shoot. But the pigs just kept coming. So I shot them. All of them. But then suddenly a group of men approached. I'm thinking, probably owners of that ambush site, took my gun away and started beating us. And then I must have blacked out."
Officer: "Ok. That's quite clear. I'll just write - while intoxicated, broke in to pig farm...."
 
Theodor said:
Russian wakes up with a terrible headache and discovers he is in a jail cell. Soon he is taken to see the investigating officer, who asks him to explain, in his own words, what does he remember, from last night.
"Well, we went hunting for wild boar." Starts the man carefully. "We went to the ambush site, and waited, but no pigs."
Officer: "You started drinking?"
Hunter: "Yes, naturally we had couple of vodkas, and kept waiting."
Officer: "And kept drinking?"
Hunter: "Well yes, at first. But then one of my companions said, that we should go to another ambush site, we would definitely have better luck there. So we went."
Officer: "And drank?"
Hunter: "While walking yes, we had few more vodkas. So we arrived to the next spot, and barely get settled in, when I see a pig running. So I set up my gun, to shoot. But the pigs just kept coming. So I shot them. All of them. But then suddenly a group of men approached. I'm thinking, probably owners of that ambush site, took my gun away and started beating us. And then I must have blacked out."
Officer: "Ok. That's quite clear. I'll just write - while intoxicated, broke in to pig farm...."
Click to expand...
... and here I was, thinking it was getting towards last call and they were bar-hopping. Silly me.

-John
 
A news story came about janitorial staff protesting the need for new cleaning tools. They were carrying buckets of soapy water and demanding mop justice.
 
The newspaper told a tragic tale of a sheep farmer that lost his money and most of his possessions in a livestock deal gone bad.

Turned out, he got fleeced.
 
Man goes to a travel agency and explains: "For years, I have only worked and worked, but it seems I never have a possibility to have a proper vacation. What could you offer me?"
Agent: "Well, we have a special today, skiing trip to Italian mountains, only 1500 EUR."
Man: "Oh, that is way too expensive for me. Do you have anything cheaper?"
Agent: "Sure, we can send you to Spain. There's a low season now, so prices are good. Only 1200 EUR, for a weeks trip."
Man: "We are well over my tolerance here, can you offer me something cheaper?"
Agent: "I do have a weekend trip to sightseeing in Prague. That's only 820 EUR."
Man: "Come on, don't you have anything affordable for a poor working man?"
Agent: "Well how much do you have then?"
Man: "I thin I have like 10-15 EUR."
Agent: "For that I can only offer you a local nature experience."
Man (enthusiastically): "Very good, what is it?"
Agent: "Take a hike, buster!"
 
Santa hires a security team, with a shady background. Because they were recommended, as efficient force, to be reckoned with.
One morning the chief of security comes and says: "We caught a man, spray painting vulgar words next to the entrance of the toy factory."
Santa: "Get a cleaner right away and..."
Security: "Already done, cleaner came took care of it."
Santa: "That's some swift work."
Security: "Thank you. We try our best. But what shall we do with the graffiti?"
 
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