Joke Thread

Old man drives his pickup, in the local town, when suddenly a brand new Mercedes passes him, almost taking off his side mirror. At the next moment the light at the intersection turns red. Mercedes stops in an instant, but the old man who was distracted by the maneuver is a touch late with the brakes and stops by lightly hitting the rear end of the Mercedes.
Immediately four big guys, wearing tracksuits and gold chains, jump out from the car and run to the pickup. One of them says: "Old man, you will pay for this, if your life means anything to you!"
Old man asks: "Are you athletes or something?"
Guys laugh and say: "Sure, as far as you are concerned, we can be, athletes."
"Well then," says the old man, pulling out his short barreled shotgun: "Ready, set, go!"
 
Theodor said:
Son of a druglord asks: "Dad, can I have some money?"
- "What for?"
"I want to go out with my friends."
- "Fine, you know which drawer I keep the cash in, take it yourself."
"How much can I take?"
- "I don't know... an inch or so?"
Click to expand...
Funny, I once knew a guy who was a tech journalist, and he was interviewing Bill Gates. Melinda called and told him to take my friend out to dinner, since it was when "normal people" eat dinner. Bill reached into a drawer and came out with a fistful of cash and said, "this ought to do" and then they left.

So, drug dealer = business mogul?

-John
 
A shade tree motorcycle mechanic and avid rider is looking around their garage when they spot a small puddle under a bike. Having not washed or ridden the bike recently, their curiosity was peaked. So they move the bike and begin examining the liquid.

First, rubbing between their fingers resulted in eliminating any oil or grease as the liquid was not slippery.

Sniffing their fingers eliminated fuel as it did not smell like petrol. This mystery liquid was more of an acrid smell.

So they touched their fingers to their tongue and the liquid did have a taste but it was not sweet like coolant nor acidic.

Then out of the corner of their eye they spotted where it came from. The neighbor's cat was sitting in their garage!
 
Masked and armed men rush into a sub sandwich shop. They gather all of the employees and patrons in the back room.

Trimbling, one employee asks what the men want.

The leader of the robbers snarls, "We robbing the place and we don't want any heros."
 
Two young lords are sitting in a manor and discussing life. They end up on a slight disagreement on a matter that seems to be important to both of them. Eventually the decide, the truth will be determined by a duel.
They search the whole manor but only manage to find one sword.
One of them finally says: "I suppose we must take turns fighting."
 
Theodor said:
Two young lords are sitting in a manor and discussing life. They end up on a slight disagreement on a matter that seems to be important to both of them. Eventually the decide, the truth will be determined by a duel.
They search the whole manor but only manage to find one sword.
One of them finally says: "I suppose we must take turns fighting."
Click to expand...
It works in Final Fantasy VII :-D
 
Not precisely a joke, but something that happened just now, made me think.
I was walking home from work, and saw some seagulls sitting/standing by the road. Not disturbing anyone, just chilling and looking around. Suddenly a guy comes to the seagulls, clapping his hands and mumbling in russian, scares the seagulls away. So Ukraine is not enough for them, now they are coming here to torment our free birds?
 
Man complains to a psychiatrist: "I am completely exhausted. When I go to bed, I immediately get the feeling someone is under my bed. I climb under my bed, there is no one there. That moment I get the feeling someone is on my bed..."
Psychiatrist: "Yes, this is a difficult case. We will need to treat you, but this will take few months, at least. And the treatment is going to be expensive."
Man says he will think about it and leaves. The doctor does not see him for weeks, until he suddenly bumps in to him, in a supermarket.
"How are you doing?" asks the doctor. "Have you considered the treatment?"
"Oh, no need. My neighbour fixed everything for a drink."
"How so?"
"We were drinking and I told him of my problem and he just said: Saw the bloody legs off the bed."
 
Two gymnasts talking about weight loss. One of them mentions a website that has been advertising about some special program, promising to lose incredible amount of weight. The other one immediately goes pale and says: "I visited that website. Joined the program. They had a very thorough questionnaire there, about habits, schedules, living arrangements. Next day, when I came home, I discovered I had lost my money, my TV and all my weights."
 
"You know John, I notice that there are a lot of flies circling you."
- "What are you trying to say there, Tom?"
"Oh nothing, nothing.... Just flies are usually not wrong...."
 
Phone rings in mental health hospital.
"Hello!"
- "Hi! I wanted to ask you, is that normal, if someone blows his fanfare at 5:30 every morning?"
"Not really, no."
- "I thought as much. Can you send someone to pick him up?"
"I guess. Where to?"
- "Fort Bragg"
 
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