Joke Thread

LandyVlad

Modest Genius !
Jun 8, 2020
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An oldie but a goodie.

The Audit

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'
'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers. Every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
'We collect them and send them back to the biscuit makers. Every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.'

'I see!' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office. About once a year they send us a complete prick.'
 

HippoDrone

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Jan 2, 2017
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The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.
Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m not even sure what to call you?”

“It’s okay, my son, say what you want to say.”

“Well, when they told me who I’d be driving, I was really thrilled. It’s such an honor, and if there is anything I can do to make it a better trip, I’ll do my best to make sure it happens.”

The Pope thought for a while, then replied, “You know, before I became Pope, I really enjoyed driving. I would drive for hours. But now, no one will allow me to drive anywhere. Would you mind if we switched places and I can drive?”

The limousine driver agreed and the two switched places.

After a while, the Pope became relaxed, turned the radio on, hung his arm out the window, and just enjoyed cruising. However, not aware of his increasing speed, he was soon pulled over by a motorcycle cop.

The cop walked up to the limousine, saw who was driving, said, “Excuse me, your holiness, for a moment”, then returned to his bike and got on the radio.

“Chief, I think I have a problem. I believe I pulled over someone pretty important, and I’m not sure how to deal with it.”

The Chief responded: “Don’t tell me you pulled over a state representative again, Johnson?”

“No, I think this person is more important.”

“Not our Governor?!”

“No, I believe more important than the Governor.”

“Johnson, tell me you didn’t pull over a Presidential Motorcade.”

“No, they may be even more important than the President.”

“What? Really? Who’s more important than the President?”

“Hell if I know, but the Pope’s driving.”
 

Theodor

Don't wannabe
Nov 16, 2017
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Bus is fully packed, people are also standing in between the seating area. In one sudden turn a young girl loses her balance and falls in to the lap of an old priest. She immediately rockets back up, blushing and sighs: "Oh my god!"
The priest remains calm and says: "No, not oh my god, just the key of the convent gate."
 

Theodor

Don't wannabe
Nov 16, 2017
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782
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Hungover morning in a submarine. Captain asks the helmsman:
"Where are we?"
"No idea..."
"Up to periscope height! What do you see?"
"Cargo ship right ahead."
"Load torpedo one... Fire! Now listen to the SOS signal and note down the coordinates..."
 

Theodor

Don't wannabe
Nov 16, 2017
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After the latest elections, where winning party promised to significantly reduce crime, police has received a harsh order, to lower the crime rate by 10%.
Two policemen observe a bruised and bloody dead body, by a dark alley. One of them counts, and then comments: "16 stab wounds in the lower back. That must be the freakiest suicide I have ever seen..."

Come on everybody! Pitch in. Third post in a row. I feel like a spammer :p
 

Theodor

Don't wannabe
Nov 16, 2017
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Doctor: "The situation is not good. You must be prepared for everything."
Woman: "Not everything. I already know his will leaves about half to his brother..."
 
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R-Rated

Remember to Have Fun! - Solar Bear 2020 Champion
Aug 4, 2016
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Middle Tennessee USA
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Since it is Halloween later this month I will share one the jokes my dad told me when I was young.

If you drive by a graveyard at midnight on Halloween and yell out the window - "HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE?
Do you know what you will hear in response?

Nothing.
 
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Theodor

Don't wannabe
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Mom: "Thomas, what were you thinking? How could you tell uncle John he is stupid? Go right now and tell him you're sorry!"
Thomas: "Uncle John! I am so sorry you're stupid!"
 

HippoDrone

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Jan 2, 2017
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Whilst at my favourite biker cafe I walked out towards the car park with all the bikes about. Looking around for my wife I noticed a younger guy doing the same. ‘Lost your wife mate ‘? I said. ‘ yes girlfriend actually’ he replied. ‘What’s she look like ‘ I said ‘ Tall busty looks great in the leathers and sexy as hell ‘ he said What your wife like. ‘ Don’t worry about her let’s look for your girlfriend first ‘ I replied
 
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