Joke Thread
- Thread starter LandyVlad
- Start date
Theodor
Don't wannabe
Police officer complains to his colleagues: "I had a date last night, with that gorgeous young lady I told you about. We had a great meal and excellent discussions. Everything was near perfect, until I was about to drive her home. Trying to be a gentleman, I opened the car door for her, but then the habit kicked in and I pushed her head down."
R-Rated
Remember to Have Fun! - Solar Bear 2020 Champion
At least it was while opening the door.
Theodor
Don't wannabe
"How does your mom give you so much lunch money every day? My mom calls to the school cafeteria every day and asks exactly how much the food is."
- "Mine calls every day too."
"But what trickery do you use then?"
- "I only tricked her once, when she asked the number of the school cafeteria, I gave her the number of one of those Michelin star restaurants."
- "Mine calls every day too."
"But what trickery do you use then?"
- "I only tricked her once, when she asked the number of the school cafeteria, I gave her the number of one of those Michelin star restaurants."
Theodor
Don't wannabe
There was an ad online, that adult photo models are required. Hourly wage was promised 8000€. A young lady figured that's a good way to make some money and showed up at the advertised address. There was a photo studio and bunch of guys, who looked like your classical mobster business men. Deal was made and she started posing for the photographer. After about six hours of blood sweat and tears, she felt she had enough and asked for her payment. The boss asked the photographer: "How many pictures have we got?"
- "512, boss"
"And what exposure time did you use?"
- "1/125, boss."
The boss then turns back to the model and says: "You have worked barely 4 seconds, and already asking for money?"
- "512, boss"
"And what exposure time did you use?"
- "1/125, boss."
The boss then turns back to the model and says: "You have worked barely 4 seconds, and already asking for money?"
Theodor
Don't wannabe
"I have been riding this train for six years, but never have I seen so many people pushing in to here."
- "Six years? My word. At which stop did you come on?"
***
Drunk wanders in to the petting zoo and spots a donkey. Tears in his eyes, he goes to the donkey, hugs it and weeps: "What have they done to you, my poor bunny".
- "Six years? My word. At which stop did you come on?"
***
Drunk wanders in to the petting zoo and spots a donkey. Tears in his eyes, he goes to the donkey, hugs it and weeps: "What have they done to you, my poor bunny".
Theodor
Don't wannabe
Teacher: "If anyone thinks they are dumb, please stand up."
Long silence, after which little Johnny stands up.
"Why do you think you're dumb?" inquires the teacher.
"Well, I don't really... Just felt sad seeing you standing there alone."
***
"And I was shot here." shows a veteran to his friends.
"Impossible," replies one of them: "That's where the heart is. You'd be dead."
"Don't be silly!" is the veteran upset, "I had heart in my mouth, at the time."
Long silence, after which little Johnny stands up.
"Why do you think you're dumb?" inquires the teacher.
"Well, I don't really... Just felt sad seeing you standing there alone."
***
"And I was shot here." shows a veteran to his friends.
"Impossible," replies one of them: "That's where the heart is. You'd be dead."
"Don't be silly!" is the veteran upset, "I had heart in my mouth, at the time."
R-Rated
Remember to Have Fun! - Solar Bear 2020 Champion
It was the Snowman's first day on the North Pole SWAT Team when he had to respond to a hostage situation.
As he peered down his sniper rifle scope he could see the gunman waving his pistol at the elves.
"Take the shot" came the command from Santa.
Nothing happens.
"Take the shot!" Santa barked over the comms.
Nothing happens.
Then Rudolf jumped through the window, disarms the gunman, and saves the day.
After all was done the Snowman was asked why he did not shoot the human.
"Sorry Santa. I froze up"
As he peered down his sniper rifle scope he could see the gunman waving his pistol at the elves.
"Take the shot" came the command from Santa.
Nothing happens.
"Take the shot!" Santa barked over the comms.
Nothing happens.
Then Rudolf jumped through the window, disarms the gunman, and saves the day.
After all was done the Snowman was asked why he did not shoot the human.
"Sorry Santa. I froze up"
Theodor
Don't wannabe
Man comes home from war. Wife asks: "How was it?"
Man replies: "Oh, you know. Our side got second place."
***
"What did you get for your wife, for her birthday?"
- "Well, she said she wants something for her arms and neck..."
"So bracelet and necklace?"
- "You think she had those in mind? I just bought her a soap."
Man replies: "Oh, you know. Our side got second place."
***
"What did you get for your wife, for her birthday?"
- "Well, she said she wants something for her arms and neck..."
"So bracelet and necklace?"
- "You think she had those in mind? I just bought her a soap."
Theodor
Don't wannabe
Old hunter telling his tales: "And that night, when I tried to sleep under that lone tree, a lion snuck up on me, so close I could feel its breath on my neck."
"Oh no!" are listeners terrified: "What did you do?"
"What anyone, in this situation would do," replies the hunter: "I turned up my collar."
"Oh no!" are listeners terrified: "What did you do?"
"What anyone, in this situation would do," replies the hunter: "I turned up my collar."
Q: What happens when Donald Trump climbs a tree?
A: There's one less politician on the earth.
A: There's one less politician on the earth.
Theodor
Don't wannabe
Hunter brings his girlfriend to the forest for a deer hunt, for the very first time. They decide to each hunt separately. As it is high season he warns her: "Watch out for other hunters. If you shoot something and there will be an argument who shot the animal, just fire three shots in the air, and I will come to your aid."
No less than half an hour passes and he hears the signal. Rushing through the forest towards where the shots came from, he sees his girlfriend standing by a road, pointing her rifle at a young man.
"What's the problem?" the hunter asks.
"I shot it, and he says it's his." says the girlfriend.
"She can keep it!" shouts the young man, "I just want my stuff back, from the panniers."
No less than half an hour passes and he hears the signal. Rushing through the forest towards where the shots came from, he sees his girlfriend standing by a road, pointing her rifle at a young man.
"What's the problem?" the hunter asks.
"I shot it, and he says it's his." says the girlfriend.
"She can keep it!" shouts the young man, "I just want my stuff back, from the panniers."
Theodor
Don't wannabe
President of a big nation was invited to talk with first graders, in a small school. He want's to make his visit to the school educational, and kind of play the role of a teacher. Standing before the class he asks: "Young lady, what's your name?"
- "Linda."
"Linda, tell me what did you do after school yesterday."
- "I was playing in a sandbox."
"That's so nice. When I was small, I had the best sandbox in the world. Come here, to the blackboard and write 'sand', will you?"
After that's done, he turns to the next student: "Young man, what's your name?"
- "Oliver."
"Oliver, tell me what did you do after school yesterday."
- "I was playing with Linda and my sand molds."
"That's so nice. Come to the blackboard and write 'mold'."
After that's done he turns to the next student: "What's your name?"
- "Alejandro"
"Alejandro, what did you do after school yesterday?"
- "I wanted to play with Linda and Oliver, but they threw sand at me and called me a spic."
"You see kids, this is not good at all. We can not have this kind of behavior in our free country. Alejandro, come to the blackboard and write 'No person shall be subjected to discrimination, on the ground of race, color, or national origin'."
- "Linda."
"Linda, tell me what did you do after school yesterday."
- "I was playing in a sandbox."
"That's so nice. When I was small, I had the best sandbox in the world. Come here, to the blackboard and write 'sand', will you?"
After that's done, he turns to the next student: "Young man, what's your name?"
- "Oliver."
"Oliver, tell me what did you do after school yesterday."
- "I was playing with Linda and my sand molds."
"That's so nice. Come to the blackboard and write 'mold'."
After that's done he turns to the next student: "What's your name?"
- "Alejandro"
"Alejandro, what did you do after school yesterday?"
- "I wanted to play with Linda and Oliver, but they threw sand at me and called me a spic."
"You see kids, this is not good at all. We can not have this kind of behavior in our free country. Alejandro, come to the blackboard and write 'No person shall be subjected to discrimination, on the ground of race, color, or national origin'."
