Joke Thread

[R-Rated]

WARNING - This joke may offend.

I read a study that most friendships dissolve after 7 years.

I guess I need to get stronger chemicals for my barrels.

 

[Theodor]

Surgeon is speeding down the highway, with his sports bike and gets pulled over, by the police.
The officer can't even introduce himself, before the surgeon shouts at him: "If you had not pulled me over, I'd be in the hospital already!"

 

[R-Rated]

How do you know when you encroach on the border of a nude resort?

When the guard shouts,
"Halt! Who goes bare?"

 

[Theodor]

Ad in paper: "S/M porn actors needed in UK. Pay in pounds."

***

I was so nervous about a presentation I had to do, I had trouble sleeping the night before. Decided to take a good sip of valerian. The whole night I had dreams of kissing a bearded woman. Next time I'll leave the cat outside.

 

[R-Rated]

I walked into my surgeon's office to find him putting his timepiece in his desk drawer before heading to the operating room.

I asked him if it was for hygiene.

He replied no one was dieing on his watch.

 

[R-Rated]

Mr. and Mrs. Cameleon were having a fight in the forest. She had enough of his ways and was threatening to leave.

"But honey don't leave. I can change!" he cried out.

 

[Theodor]

"Our son has become unbearable. He only keeps taking advice from complete idiots. You should talk with him."

***

"Mom, I got maximum score in a test today."
- "That's great news! What was the test on?"
"Blood alcohol level."

 

[Theodor]

Q: What do you call it, if group of primates purchase a motorcycle, produced in the 60s, in Izhmash factory?
A:

Spoiler

Planeta of the apes

 

[Theodor]

Students after a test.
"Tell me, was London the capital of Paris, or the other way around?"
"I don't know. I'm not very compliant in geometry."

***

Paratroopers have been clocked as some of the fastest soldiers, achieving about 280kph, when the shoot does not open. Only beaten by sappers.

 

[R-Rated]

Why do so many horror writers go to the cemetery to get ideas?

Because it is easy to find a good plot.

 

[Theodor]

5am in Las Vegas. Two friends meet in the middle of the street. One of them is completely naked, the other one has only boxer shorts on. The naked one says: "I admire you. You always know when to stop gambling."

 

[R-Rated]

5am in Las Vegas. Two friends meet in the middle of the street. One of them is completely naked, the other one has only boxer shorts on. The naked one says: "I admire you. You always know when to stop gambling."

Wouldn't 5 am be considered the "crack of Don"?

 

[Theodor]

Biker goes to the doctors and says: "I think I'm allergic to boots."
Doctors asks: "How do you figure?"
Biker: "Every time I wake up, still wearing my boots, I have a terrible headache."

 

[Theodor]

Arab falls down his ride, in the middle of the desert. As his camel escapes, he has no map, no water, nothing on him. He wanders the desert, trying to figure out which way to reach civilization, or at least a well. On the third day, he suddenly sees an Eskimo on a dog sleigh, approaching from the horizon.
"A mirage," he thinks, but no. An hour later, the dog sleigh stops next to him.
The Arab says: "Please, I'm lost, can you tell me how to reach somewhere?"
The Eskimo replies: "Oh sure, you are the one who's lost."

 

[R-Rated]

A hiker was trekking along a mountain trail when they met a large magical wildcat that could talk. The hiker was running low on supplies so the hiker asks how far the next town is on the long trail.

The magical wildcat explained, "Oh, you CAN hike this trail for another three days and night and then be in the next town or you could take the short cut all the animals take and be there in a few hours."

The hiker is amazed at the time savings so they ask how to follow the trail.

"Easy. You have to hike down this tall mountain heading east. There you will find a small stream. Follow it north until joins the river and then follow the river downstream until you find the town"

The hiker thanks the large magical wildcat and gives it half of the rations in gratitude.

Three weeks later the hiker emerges from the trail by the river bank at the edge of the town. Famished they wander into the nearest diner. The locals all look up to see the worn out hiker come in. Someone offers the hiker a chair and some water. An elderly man asks the hiker what happened. The hiker explains between sips while waiting for some food.

The old man puffs on his pipe squinting and then says, "We call that magical talking wildcat up there the Mountain Lying."

 

[Theodor]

"Let's just sit here, in silence and enjoy the view. It's so tranquil. Wouldn't want to disturb the silence with anything."
"Young man, stop the antics and present your drivers license!"

 

[Theodor]

"Hey, do you remember Janet, from school?"
- "I do, why?"
"I just found out she works as a stripper now."
- "I'm not surprised. She always said: 'One day I'll show all of you!'"

 

[Theodor]

Police pulls over a biker: "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Biker: "About 80."
Officer: "Exactly, but the speed limit here is 50. I will need to write you a ticket."
Biker: "Sure. But could you write I was doing 120?"
Officer: "Why on earth?"
Biker: "I'm about to sell my bike, and I'd like to show it can go faster..."

 

[Theodor]

Have you ever given up on solving Rubics cube and thought that diversity is accepted nowadays anyway?

 

[Theodor]

Teacher: "Linda, which body part can expand five times, during excitement?"
Linda blushes: "I'm ashamed to say it...."
Teacher: "Tom, how about you?"
Tom: "Pupils."
Teacher: "That's correct. And Linda, you did not study, you have dirty mind, and you will be very disappointed in the future.

***

Police was called out to a local social security administration office, due to graffiti that was painted on the buildings wall. It said: "Elvis is still alive!"
Investigators soon determined the graffiti was done by Elvis Jonathan Oak, 84, who did not get his pension for the third month in a row.