Joke Thread

[R-Rated]

A guy started wondering what his mother and father did to pass time before the internet. He asked them but they refused to talk about it.

So the guy asked his 18 brothers and sisters but none of them knew either.

Since I cannot spell late at night I corrected my post in the spot above

 

[Theodor]

Woman is crying and says to the husband: "Our pharmacist insulted me!"
Man, furious, rushes to the pharmacy and asks what does he have to say for himself.
The pharmacist explains: "This morning, I slept in, because the alarm clock did not ring. When leaving home, I slammed the door shut, but then discovered that I left both house keys and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get the keys. On the way to pharmacy, my tire broke, so I was even more late. Of course there was already a queue behind the door. And the phone was ringing. Rushing, I dropped all the change. When I picked it up and stood up again, I hit my head to the counter, and then lost my balance and fell, breaking the counter glass. And the phone kept ringing and ringing. I grabbed the phone and answered, and there was your wife, asking how does one use rectal thermometer. Honest to god, I just told her how to use it."

 

[R-Rated]

An elderly man named Earl went to his local hangout and was caught off guard by all his pals congratulating him. Before he could ask what was going on they all rushed out to the parking lot and were looking all around.

Finally Earl asked what all the fuss about.

One of the men explained they all had seen his social media post and wanted to see his new ride. They read he got a custom motorcycle!

"No, I meant CHOMPERS," exclaimed Earl, "I got them from the dentist. Damn, autocorrect!"

 

[Theodor]

Biker sitting at a bar, with a pretty blonde. He says: "I need to confess something."
The blonde goes pale.
He continues: "I am actually married, and I have two kids."
The blonde is relieved: "Oh just that. I thought you were going to say the chopper is not yours."

 

[R-Rated]

There was a man found dead in a barn with no obvious signs of trauma nor poisoning. Police reported he was surrounded by goose feathers.

The police suspect fowl play.

 

[Theodor]

This Wednesday a bomb threat was made to russias largest mine factory. Bomb squad spent the whole day going through the building. No explosives were found.

 

[Theodor]

Man was praying to god: "Dear god, make it so, that if I see a $500 bill laying on the ground, I would not want to pick it up."
And lo, god gave him radiculitis.

 

[Theodor]

"You know, yesterday, when coming out of the store, I saw a police officer, writing a fine. I asked what's the issue, he said that the bike is parked illegally, that spot is only for bicycles."
- "Oh my, what happened then?"
"I asked, if he could maybe find real criminals and not torture innocent people."
- "I don't think that was a good idea."
"He said that the number plate does not meet the legal standard and started writing another fine."
- "What did you do then?"
"I told him that he's a pig. And made some oink oink sounds. Then he started another fine, saying the lights do not have certification emblems on them."
- "How much were all the fines?"
"I have no idea. I got bored by then and walked to my own bike."

 

[R-Rated]

"You know, yesterday, when coming out of the store, I saw a police officer, writing a fine. I asked what's the issue, he said that the bike is parked illegally, that spot is only for bicycles."
- "Oh my, what happened then?"
"I asked, if he could maybe find real criminals and not torture innocent people."
- "I don't think that was a good idea."
"He said that the number plate does not meet the legal standard and started writing another fine."
- "What did you do then?"
"I told him that he's a pig. And made some oink oink sounds. Then he started another fine, saying the lights do not have certification emblems on them."
- "How much were all the fines?"
"I have no idea. I got bored by then and walked to my own bike."

Back when I did that job a pal of mine stopped a lady for speeding more than 10 over the limit. She complained, "Why don't you catch some real criminals?"

He calmly replied, "I am and it's your turn now."

 

[Hippo-Drones]

Back when I did that job a pal of mine stopped a lady for speeding more than 10 over the limit. She complained, "Why don't you catch some real criminals?"

He calmly replied, "I am and it's your turn now."

In the UK most motoring offenses are not a criminal offence, just a civil offence, which is handy... else I'd have a long criminal record!

 

[Theodor]

Back when I did that job a pal of mine stopped a lady for speeding more than 10 over the limit. She complained, "Why don't you catch some real criminals?"

He calmly replied, "I am and it's your turn now."

Maybe she did not feel like a criminal. In fact I bet she felt like a miss. Miss Demeanour.