Joke Thread

[R-Rated]

A former actor goes to medical school to become a urologist.

He opens his medical practice under the name - No Part Too Small.

 

[Theodor]

Police officer complains to his colleagues: "I had a date last night, with that gorgeous young lady I told you about. We had a great meal and excellent discussions. Everything was near perfect, until I was about to drive her home. Trying to be a gentleman, I opened the car door for her, but then the habit kicked in and I pushed her head down."

 

[R-Rated]

Police officer ... Trying to be a gentleman, I opened the car door for her, but then the habit kicked in and I pushed her head down."

At least it was while opening the door.

 

[Theodor]

Man to prostitute: "Last time I was with you, you gave me the clap"
"No." corrects the prostitute: "I sold it to you."

 

[R-Rated]

Two janitors were making out at work when someone shouted, "You two should get a broom!"

 

[Theodor]

"How does your mom give you so much lunch money every day? My mom calls to the school cafeteria every day and asks exactly how much the food is."
- "Mine calls every day too."
"But what trickery do you use then?"
- "I only tricked her once, when she asked the number of the school cafeteria, I gave her the number of one of those Michelin star restaurants."

 

[Theodor]

There was an ad online, that adult photo models are required. Hourly wage was promised 8000€. A young lady figured that's a good way to make some money and showed up at the advertised address. There was a photo studio and bunch of guys, who looked like your classical mobster business men. Deal was made and she started posing for the photographer. After about six hours of blood sweat and tears, she felt she had enough and asked for her payment. The boss asked the photographer: "How many pictures have we got?"
- "512, boss"
"And what exposure time did you use?"
- "1/125, boss."
The boss then turns back to the model and says: "You have worked barely 4 seconds, and already asking for money?"

 

[R-Rated]

A large group of bakers and pastry chefs gathered in a protest march. At the head of the assembly a banner unfurled that read in bold letters:
FLOUR POWER!

 

[Theodor]

"Mom, do you know how much toothpaste fits in to the tube?"
- "No, honey."
"But I do! From the bathroom sink till the living room bookshelf."

 

[Theodor]

"I have been riding this train for six years, but never have I seen so many people pushing in to here."
- "Six years? My word. At which stop did you come on?"

***

Drunk wanders in to the petting zoo and spots a donkey. Tears in his eyes, he goes to the donkey, hugs it and weeps: "What have they done to you, my poor bunny".

 

[Theodor]

Teacher: "If anyone thinks they are dumb, please stand up."
Long silence, after which little Johnny stands up.
"Why do you think you're dumb?" inquires the teacher.
"Well, I don't really... Just felt sad seeing you standing there alone."

***

"And I was shot here." shows a veteran to his friends.
"Impossible," replies one of them: "That's where the heart is. You'd be dead."
"Don't be silly!" is the veteran upset, "I had heart in my mouth, at the time."

 

[R-Rated]

It was the Snowman's first day on the North Pole SWAT Team when he had to respond to a hostage situation.

As he peered down his sniper rifle scope he could see the gunman waving his pistol at the elves.

"Take the shot" came the command from Santa.

Nothing happens.

"Take the shot!" Santa barked over the comms.

Nothing happens.

Then Rudolf jumped through the window, disarms the gunman, and saves the day.

After all was done the Snowman was asked why he did not shoot the human.

"Sorry Santa. I froze up"

 

[Theodor]

Man comes home from war. Wife asks: "How was it?"
Man replies: "Oh, you know. Our side got second place."

***

"What did you get for your wife, for her birthday?"
- "Well, she said she wants something for her arms and neck..."
"So bracelet and necklace?"
- "You think she had those in mind? I just bought her a soap."

 

[Theodor]

How do you know a psychiatrist retired?
They've shrunk.

 

[Theodor]

"Hello! Our little Johnny can't come to school today. He has fever."
- "Very well, but... who is speaking?"
"My mom."

 

[Theodor]

Old hunter telling his tales: "And that night, when I tried to sleep under that lone tree, a lion snuck up on me, so close I could feel its breath on my neck."
"Oh no!" are listeners terrified: "What did you do?"
"What anyone, in this situation would do," replies the hunter: "I turned up my collar."

Spoiler: Political humor

Q: What happens when Donald Trump climbs a tree?
A: There's one less politician on the earth.

 

[Theodor]

Hunter brings his girlfriend to the forest for a deer hunt, for the very first time. They decide to each hunt separately. As it is high season he warns her: "Watch out for other hunters. If you shoot something and there will be an argument who shot the animal, just fire three shots in the air, and I will come to your aid."
No less than half an hour passes and he hears the signal. Rushing through the forest towards where the shots came from, he sees his girlfriend standing by a road, pointing her rifle at a young man.
"What's the problem?" the hunter asks.
"I shot it, and he says it's his." says the girlfriend.
"She can keep it!" shouts the young man, "I just want my stuff back, from the panniers."