Joke Thread

[R-Rated]

Woman goes to the papers and wants to have an obituary for her husband in the next days paper. She does not have much money so she only asks to have two words printed: "Tom died."
The lady at the papers says: "Are you sure this is all? We give first five words for fee."
The woman thinks a bit and then asks to print: "Tom died. Bike for sale."

I wonder how bent the bike was...

 

[Theodor]

Doctor: "I really don't like this cough of yours."
Patient: "And I have been practicing it whole week."

***

WIth the things going on now in Middle-East, fuel prices are bound to skyrocket. There's the chance to double the value of our bikes - fill the tank up.

 

[R-Rated]

Pharmaceutical stock prices are falling because shipments of vanishing cream are just disappearing!

 

[Theodor]

Teacher is asking children to tell stories their family shares, or they have experiences, that can teach an important lesson or moral.
Jenny goes first. She tells how they were taking their eggs to the market, for selling, but hit a big hole on the road and the basket they had the eggs in fell over and almost all the eggs were broken.
Teacher asks: "And what's the lesson in the story?"
Jenny: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Tim tells how they were also raising chicken and kept the eggs, so they would get many chicks. But turns out that some eggs did not produce chicks at all. Only part of the eggs hatched.
Teacher asks: "And what's the lesson in the story?"
Tim: "Don't count your chicks before they hatch."
Little Johnny goes next. He tells that her grandmother Janet was a pilot in the great war. One day she flew on a mission, bringing, as always, a bottle of whiskey and a machine gun. That day she was shot down. As she was landing with the parachute, enemy soldiers converged to her location. She opened up the whiskey and started fighting. By the time she had finished her whiskey she had shot sixty enemy soldiers. Then she killed five more with the whiskey bottle and then another then with her bare hands.
After some silence the shocked teacher asks: "And... uh... what is the lesson there, Johnny?"
Johnny replies: "My dad said not to bother grandma Janet, when she has been drinking."

 

[Theodor]

Two crows sitting on a tree branch, both holding piece of cheese, they snatched from a family having picnic, in their beaks. Suddenly a fox approaches the tree and asks the crows: "So, do you like our current president?"
Both crows shout, at the same time: "No!"
Fox quickly collects the dropped pieces of cheese and hurries off.
One of the crows says: "Should have said yes."

 

[Theodor]

In a tavern, crowd has gathered around an old pirate, who's in the middle of telling a story how he searched for a buried treasure.
"So there we were, in the middle of the jungle, chopping a path through it, for the fifth day. And then the worst thing you could imagine happened. We ran out of rum. Faced with a sure danger of dying to thirst, we had to decide whether to continue, or return to our ship, as quickly as possible."
The audience gasps. One can't contain themselves and asks: "Did you really not have any water?"
"Sure we did, loads. But in a desperate situation like this, no one of us could even think of bathing."

 

[R-Rated]

One of the things you never want to hear from your surgeon as you go under anesthesia is, "Difficult? Hold my beer and I will show you "Difficult"!"

 

[Theodor]

One of the things you never want to hear from your surgeon as you go under anesthesia is, "Difficult? Hold my beer and I will show you "Difficult"!"

Patient is waiting for surgery. Nurses are laying out the instruments on trays and he is laying on the cold platform, slightly anxious. The anesthesiologist enters and tries to put a mask on the patient. Unfortunately he has very shaky hands and hiccups and keeps missing the patients face. Eventually the patient can't keep his thoughts to himself anymore and shouts: "But doctor, you're completely drunk!"
"I am drunk?" giggles the anesthesiologist, "You just wait, the surgeon will come in a bit."

 

[Theodor]

Girl and a boy are laying in tall grass at night, close to each other.
Girl: "Did you hear that? The crickets were singing."
Boy: "Nonsense. That was my fly."

 

[R-Rated]

Girl and a boy are laying in tall grass at night, close to each other.
Girl: "Did you hear that? The crickets were singing."
Boy: "Nonsense. That was my fly."

Now not to be that guy but if his fly sounds like crickets then he needs a new tailor and might want to see a doctor too.

 

[R-Rated]

A musician was found dead in his apartment. The doors and windows were all locked from the inside. There was a saxophone with a Marijuana joint for the reed laying by the body.

A rookie cop asks the homicide detective, "Do you think it was an overdose."

The detective replies in a steely voice, "No kid. It was murder. His death was by a blunt instrument.

 

[Theodor]

Angry biker to the barman: "Is this beer or dishwasher water, you served me?"
Barman: "Can't you tell the difference yourself?"
Biker even angrier: "No!"
Barman smiles: "Then why worry about it?"

 

[Theodor]

Soldiers are practicing in the shooting range. One of the soldiers is so ashamed of how bad his aim was, he tries to ease the tension, by saying to the sergeant: "Seeing my result, I feel maybe I should turn the gun on myself."
The sergeant looks at the soldier, then looks at his target, then at the soldier again and says: "Better start with a full magazine."

 

[Theodor]

Have you reached the point in life, where you think, should you become a biker or a parent? You may find help, when making that decision, from the notes of some peoples thoughts and life experiences.

When you don't have enough funds to buy a bike, almost any dealer will give you a possibility to lease it. Even banks will not give you a loan to get a baby. You won't even need to consult anyone, when making the decision of buying a bike. But making a baby without a consent of at least one more person is illegal.
We have no notes of anyone ever suspecting, if the bike they purchased is really theirs. Nor will anyone point out that the paint tone of the bike does not quite match your skin.
If something is off with your bike you will be able to find plenty of bike shops anywhere and time for solution comes in days. If you need coolant or oil, you can go to near any gas station, regardless of the time of the day. How many children's hospitals are there in your area? And the queues? How about around the clock pharmacies?
Many people will enjoy the exhaust note of your bike. You can not fit an aftermarket whine to your kid.
You can take riding classes in most towns. You're completely alone in learning how to put your kid to sleep.
Lending your bike to a friend, for a day, gives you a friend with debt of gratitude. Leaving your kid with a friend, for a day, leaves you with debt of gratitude before your friend.
Motorcycles do not grow out of their tires in half a year.
Having your own vehicle, when applying for a job somewhere, can be a benefit. Having children don't usually give any advantage over your competition.
Clever businessman can declare money spent on bike as business expenses. Many countries won't even give you tax reduction for having kids.
How many parking places across your town? Many even with CCTV or manned guards. Where can you leave your pram?
Roads where we can ride our bikes are usually maintained, smooth and have clear regulations. Try taking a pram around the block.
Have you heard of a single country, where the budget on kindergartens and schools exceeds of that for road maintenance?
People pay good money to go see bikers battle on a race track. Who pays anything to see kids fight in a sandbox?

 

[Theodor]

How did the bikers blind wife know how his ride was?
She read the bugs on his face.

 

[R-Rated]

On the open seas near the Bermuda Triangle is a tale of a cargo ship of shoes that disappeared.

Perhaps you have heard of it?

The ship of a lost soles.

 

[Theodor]

Small workshop owner paces back and forth around customers bike and smokes one cigarette after another. Secretary spots that from the window and comes to see him: "What's wrong, difficult case?"
"Yes, very difficult case. The owner of this bike is filthy rich, but there's nothing I can think this bike needs besides an oil change."

 

[Theodor]

Old couple watches a documentary about preparation for end of life. After seeing some shocking scenes from hospitals, the man says: "Honey, promise me, if I will ever end up in a stage, where I depend on liquids and can't live without machines, you will unhook me and turn off the machines.
"Not a problem!" says she, takes away his beer and turns the TV off.

 

[R-Rated]

Ponder this -

If running with scissors is bad then what is sprinting with staple gun?

 

[Theodor]

"Doctor, please kiss me!"
- "I can't do that."
"Please, Doctor, just one kiss."
- "My doctors ethics would not let me do that. It's bad enough I slept with you."



Someone needs to explain this one to me. I have read it a dozen times, but can't figure it out.

Ponder this -

If running with scissors is bad then what is sprinting with staple gun?