Joke Thread

[R-Rated]

Woman goes to the papers and wants to have an obituary for her husband in the next days paper. She does not have much money so she only asks to have two words printed: "Tom died."
The lady at the papers says: "Are you sure this is all? We give first five words for fee."
The woman thinks a bit and then asks to print: "Tom died. Bike for sale."

I wonder how bent the bike was...

 

[Theodor]

Doctor: "I really don't like this cough of yours."
Patient: "And I have been practicing it whole week."

***

WIth the things going on now in Middle-East, fuel prices are bound to skyrocket. There's the chance to double the value of our bikes - fill the tank up.

 

[R-Rated]

Pharmaceutical stock prices are falling because shipments of vanishing cream are just disappearing!

 

[Theodor]

Teacher is asking children to tell stories their family shares, or they have experiences, that can teach an important lesson or moral.
Jenny goes first. She tells how they were taking their eggs to the market, for selling, but hit a big hole on the road and the basket they had the eggs in fell over and almost all the eggs were broken.
Teacher asks: "And what's the lesson in the story?"
Jenny: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Tim tells how they were also raising chicken and kept the eggs, so they would get many chicks. But turns out that some eggs did not produce chicks at all. Only part of the eggs hatched.
Teacher asks: "And what's the lesson in the story?"
Tim: "Don't count your chicks before they hatch."
Little Johnny goes next. He tells that her grandmother Janet was a pilot in the great war. One day she flew on a mission, bringing, as always, a bottle of whiskey and a machine gun. That day she was shot down. As she was landing with the parachute, enemy soldiers converged to her location. She opened up the whiskey and started fighting. By the time she had finished her whiskey she had shot sixty enemy soldiers. Then she killed five more with the whiskey bottle and then another then with her bare hands.
After some silence the shocked teacher asks: "And... uh... what is the lesson there, Johnny?"
Johnny replies: "My dad said not to bother grandma Janet, when she has been drinking."

 

[Theodor]

Two crows sitting on a tree branch, both holding piece of cheese, they snatched from a family having picnic, in their beaks. Suddenly a fox approaches the tree and asks the crows: "So, do you like our current president?"
Both crows shout, at the same time: "No!"
Fox quickly collects the dropped pieces of cheese and hurries off.
One of the crows says: "Should have said yes."

 

[Theodor]

In a tavern, crowd has gathered around an old pirate, who's in the middle of telling a story how he searched for a buried treasure.
"So there we were, in the middle of the jungle, chopping a path through it, for the fifth day. And then the worst thing you could imagine happened. We ran out of rum. Faced with a sure danger of dying to thirst, we had to decide whether to continue, or return to our ship, as quickly as possible."
The audience gasps. One can't contain themselves and asks: "Did you really not have any water?"
"Sure we did, loads. But in a desperate situation like this, no one of us could even think of bathing."

 

[R-Rated]

One of the things you never want to hear from your surgeon as you go under anesthesia is, "Difficult? Hold my beer and I will show you "Difficult"!"

 

[Theodor]

One of the things you never want to hear from your surgeon as you go under anesthesia is, "Difficult? Hold my beer and I will show you "Difficult"!"

Patient is waiting for surgery. Nurses are laying out the instruments on trays and he is laying on the cold platform, slightly anxious. The anesthesiologist enters and tries to put a mask on the patient. Unfortunately he has very shaky hands and hiccups and keeps missing the patients face. Eventually the patient can't keep his thoughts to himself anymore and shouts: "But doctor, you're completely drunk!"
"I am drunk?" giggles the anesthesiologist, "You just wait, the surgeon will come in a bit."