Joke Thread

[R-Rated]

A guy started wondering what his mother and father did to pass time before the internet. He asked them but they refused to talk about it.

So the guy asked his 18 brothers and sisters but none of them knew either.

Since I cannot spell late at night I corrected my post in the spot above

 

[Theodor]

Woman is crying and says to the husband: "Our pharmacist insulted me!"
Man, furious, rushes to the pharmacy and asks what does he have to say for himself.
The pharmacist explains: "This morning, I slept in, because the alarm clock did not ring. When leaving home, I slammed the door shut, but then discovered that I left both house keys and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get the keys. On the way to pharmacy, my tire broke, so I was even more late. Of course there was already a queue behind the door. And the phone was ringing. Rushing, I dropped all the change. When I picked it up and stood up again, I hit my head to the counter, and then lost my balance and fell, breaking the counter glass. And the phone kept ringing and ringing. I grabbed the phone and answered, and there was your wife, asking how does one use rectal thermometer. Honest to god, I just told her how to use it."

 

[R-Rated]

An elderly man named Earl went to his local hangout and was caught off guard by all his pals congratulating him. Before he could ask what was going on they all rushed out to the parking lot and were looking all around.

Finally Earl asked what all the fuss about.

One of the men explained they all had seen his social media post and wanted to see his new ride. They read he got a custom motorcycle!

"No, I meant CHOMPERS," exclaimed Earl, "I got them from the dentist. Damn, autocorrect!"

 

[Theodor]

Biker sitting at a bar, with a pretty blonde. He says: "I need to confess something."
The blonde goes pale.
He continues: "I am actually married, and I have two kids."
The blonde is relieved: "Oh just that. I thought you were going to say the chopper is not yours."

 

[R-Rated]

There was a man found dead in a barn with no obvious signs of trauma nor poisoning. Police reported he was surrounded by goose feathers.

The police suspect fowl play.

 

[Theodor]

This Wednesday a bomb threat was made to russias largest mine factory. Bomb squad spent the whole day going through the building. No explosives were found.

 

[Theodor]

Man was praying to god: "Dear god, make it so, that if I see a $500 bill laying on the ground, I would not want to pick it up."
And lo, god gave him radiculitis.

 

[Theodor]

"You know, yesterday, when coming out of the store, I saw a police officer, writing a fine. I asked what's the issue, he said that the bike is parked illegally, that spot is only for bicycles."
- "Oh my, what happened then?"
"I asked, if he could maybe find real criminals and not torture innocent people."
- "I don't think that was a good idea."
"He said that the number plate does not meet the legal standard and started writing another fine."
- "What did you do then?"
"I told him that he's a pig. And made some oink oink sounds. Then he started another fine, saying the lights do not have certification emblems on them."
- "How much were all the fines?"
"I have no idea. I got bored by then and walked to my own bike."

 

[R-Rated]

"You know, yesterday, when coming out of the store, I saw a police officer, writing a fine. I asked what's the issue, he said that the bike is parked illegally, that spot is only for bicycles."
- "Oh my, what happened then?"
"I asked, if he could maybe find real criminals and not torture innocent people."
- "I don't think that was a good idea."
"He said that the number plate does not meet the legal standard and started writing another fine."
- "What did you do then?"
"I told him that he's a pig. And made some oink oink sounds. Then he started another fine, saying the lights do not have certification emblems on them."
- "How much were all the fines?"
"I have no idea. I got bored by then and walked to my own bike."

Back when I did that job a pal of mine stopped a lady for speeding more than 10 over the limit. She complained, "Why don't you catch some real criminals?"

He calmly replied, "I am and it's your turn now."

 

[Hippo-Drones]

Back when I did that job a pal of mine stopped a lady for speeding more than 10 over the limit. She complained, "Why don't you catch some real criminals?"

He calmly replied, "I am and it's your turn now."

In the UK most motoring offenses are not a criminal offence, just a civil offence, which is handy... else I'd have a long criminal record!

 

[Theodor]

Back when I did that job a pal of mine stopped a lady for speeding more than 10 over the limit. She complained, "Why don't you catch some real criminals?"

He calmly replied, "I am and it's your turn now."

Maybe she did not feel like a criminal. In fact I bet she felt like a miss. Miss Demeanour.

 

[Theodor]

American tourists visiting Moscow. One of them gets separated from the group and gets lost. Wandering the streets a local gangster steps up to him, and as he clearly understands that he's a tourist, speaks to him in English: "Hey, you want woman?"
- "No, thank you."
"We have good woman. White woman, black woman, Asian woman. You like."
- "No thank you."
"Maybe boy?"
- "No, definitely not."
"What you like? We have everything."
- "I'm just lost. I need to find US consul."
"US consul?" is the gangster surprised. "It possible. But very expensive."

 

[R-Rated]

A biker gang grew tired of the local animals around the hideout in the woods. The animals already ate the fresh tomatoes, squash, and even the prized roses.

One day the gang president demanded that everyone bring their tools the next day because they were installing a fence. Instead of nailing the fence to the trees they were using fence poles.

The following morning the bikers were working in pairs trying to drive in the metal fence poles. By afternoon the president of the gang grew impatient at how long it was taking. The gang explained that the problem was missing with their assortment of hammers the poles on every other hit.

The president grew furious and demanded someone bring him the biggest sledge so he could show how even one man can drive a fence pole in quick and easy.

Soon he was presented with a ten pound sledge hammer. The president stood confidently as held the post with one hand and with the other he raised the sledge mightily overhead.

And then it hit him; there had to be an easier way.

 

[Theodor]

Holmes and Watson walking in a dark side street.
Holmes: "Pay attention, Watson, in the next archway we will be beaten up."
Moments later it happens. Barely conscious, laying in their own blood, on the cold cobblestone, Watson asks: "Holmes, how did you know we will be beaten up here?"
Holmes: "Elementary, Watson, yesterday I was mouthing off here."

 

[Theodor]

Two elderly people talking.
"Have you used any of them new cash machines?"
- "Oh. I don't trust those at all. I usually take all the money out from there, and take it straight to my bank, for safe keeping."

 

[Theodor]

Flight attendant: "Please calm down. That was just an air hole. This happens. Sure, it was a big one and we dropped 6000 feet, but flights can sometimes offer surprises. There is absolutely no cause for panic. Are you all better now? Good! Then grab the yolk and I'll go calm down the passengers."

 

[Theodor]

"When were you born?"
- "December of 1977."
"I remember that winter. It was extraordinarily cold."
- "Yes it was. Storks were all on strike and I had to be brought by a penguin."

 

[Theodor]

"Doctor, a stray dog bit my leg."
- "Let me see. Yes. Did you put anything on it?"
"No, it seems it was tasty enough, as it is."

 

[R-Rated]

"Doctor, a stray dog bit my leg."
- "Let me see. Yes. Did you put anything on it?"
"No, it seems it was tasty enough, as it is."

Reminds me of the joke with the punchline, "Yeah but that dog will bite you"

 

[Theodor]

Woman goes to the papers and wants to have an obituary for her husband in the next days paper. She does not have much money so she only asks to have two words printed: "Tom died."
The lady at the papers says: "Are you sure this is all? We give first five words for fee."
The woman thinks a bit and then asks to print: "Tom died. Bike for sale."