Joke Thread

[Theodor]

During the wedding night, young woman discovers that her husband has only half a foot on one leg, and a wooden prostheses to fill the shoe.
Next morning she goes to her mom and complains: "My husband... he has only half a foot."
Mom replies: "So what? Your dad's was also no more than six inches and we managed..."

 

[Theodor]

During a flight, passengers spot that pilots are walking away from the flight deck, wearing parachutes. They start worrying and one of them stops one of the pilot and asks: "Is everything OK?"
With a tired smile the pilot replies: "Oh, thank you for asking, but don't worry. It's just some problems at work."

 

[R-Rated]

This based on a true story -

There was a car crash and the cops were on scene directing traffic through the only open lane.

One of the cops waves a car through when the driver stops right at the cop. The driver then opens their window and asks, "What happened?"

The cop politely replies, "Well. I waved you through and you stopped."


Here is a bonus -

A rookie deputy and their patrol sergeant went to a call at house way out in the country. After getting back to headquarters the rookie is astonished at the condition the house was in and says he cannot believe the smell and all the mud that all over the room.

The sergeant replies, "Son...that wasn't mud."

 

[Theodor]

The ruble exchange rate is back at Soviet time level, meaning you can get one pound for a pound of well dried rubles.

 

[Theodor]

Contains profanities

Spoiler

Little Tom has been asked to the blackboard and needs to solve a formula, the teacher wrote down. But he can't figure it out and mumbles: "Bloody hell." spots the angry look from the teacher, panics and tries to apologize: "God damn it, I mean fuck!"

 

[Theodor]

Just thought of another good reason, why making vlog type videos on motorcycles is better than in cars. Motovlog sounds much better than clog.

 

[HippoDrone]

Especially in Holland!

 

[Drakhen99]

On a slightly-related topic, does anyone know if there are amish Buggy Vloggers? I mean, it's hard to tell - they'd just be BLOGGERS

-John

 

[Theodor]

Sri Lankan president asks his advisor: "Is the town quiet?"
Advisor: "Yes, the town is completely quiet. It's only the looting rebels who are making the noise."

 

[Theodor]

At a new years party.
Husband: "I have a feeling this year is going to be even better than the last."
Wife: "No way I will let you spend money on another bike!"

 

[Theodor]

"My dear brother. It seems to me your wife has left you, and rode off with your bike."
- "Shame. I doubt I'll ever find a bike quite as nice as that one."

 

[Theodor]

"Steve, is that really you?"
- "That's me."
"Is that the same Sportster you bought two years ago?"
- "The very same."
"But I was told you crashed it beyond repair and ended up in wheelchair yourself."
- "As you can see, not a scratch on me, nor the bike."
"I don't know, if I can believe you. The guy who told me this, is much more trustworthy than you...."

 

[R-Rated]

Did you hear about the people busted for running counterfeit underwear sales websites stealing money?

They were told to take them down.



For an encore -

There was another group running a sweatshop making counterfeit lingerie.

They got busted in a panty raid.

 

[Theodor]

A young author asked a more experienced writer, to read his first play, to get some feedback.
The experienced writer commented: "I would change only one thing - at the end, the main character should not walk off stage, but ride a loud chopper off the stage."
Young author is surprised: "A chopper? Really? Why is that?"
Experienced writer replies: "So the audience would wake up, just in time to leave."

 

[Theodor]

"I disagree, officer. 20 speeding tickets a year does not make me a hooligan, but a collector."

 

[Theodor]

Man was brought in to emergency room. Clothes all ripped up, badly bruised and scratched.
Nurse starts taking his details, like name, age, address etc. When she asks: "Are you married?" the man replies: "No, I crashed my bike."

 

[Theodor]

Biker visits a fortuneteller.
Fortuneteller: "Soon life will start moving with a very different pace, for you."
Biker: "Yes, I know that. But tell me, how much will they fine me."

 

[R-Rated]

Did you hear the police could not solve the murder at the mime school?

The witnesses would not say anything!


Did I hear someone type "encore"?



Why to bank robbers always bathe before a heist?

They want to make a clean getaway!

 

[R-Rated]

How about some observational humor/joke?

Most of us know the nursery rhyme about Jack Sprat eating no fat and his wife eating no lean.

Only as an an adult did I wonder how that affected their love life.

 

[Theodor]

Ad from Soviet union, from some 40+ years ago: "Semi-automatic washing machine Vyatka for sale. Now quieter than AK-47. Try it, and you won't be disappointed!"