Joke Thread

[Theodor]

Man hears the news telling there is a new cold record in Antarctica. -94°C.
He calls a friend who has been working in the research facility there, for a year already.
"Hello Tom, how's the temperature there?"
- "Let me see... -34°C"
"That's odd, the news told of -94?"
- "Oh that! That's outside."

 

[Theodor]

Man was trying to fix a leak on a tin roof. Due to drizzle the roof was slippery, so he went face down and was sliding down the slope. Only a big miracle saved him from slipping off the edge.
Next few days the miracle was all swollen up and made it difficult to walk.

 

[Theodor]

Short from the start pistol echoed across the race track. Riders ran to their bikes and took off, except one.
Starter asked: "What happened?"
The rider replied: "You shot my tire!"

 

[R-Rated]

Short version of one I thought of today when I saw a farm with a sign that read "horse camp".

What games do horses play at horse camp?

Pin the "tale" on the donkey of course!

 

[Theodor]

Couple riding in a train coupe. They share their section with a British gentleman. Lunch time approaches and the couple wants to eat.
Husband, trying to be polite, offers their companion: "Sir, would you like a sandwich?"
"No, thank you!"
"Maybe a glass of wine?"
"No, thank you!"
Wife whispers to the husband: "He's British. They are very traditional, you should introduce us first."
"Sir, My wife..."
"No, thank you!"

* * *

He: "Where are you coming from, at this hour?"
She: "I visited a beauty salon."
He: "I see they were closed."

 

[throttleup]

One of my favourites for quite a few years now - still makes me laugh, so I don't know what that says about me....


Q: Why can't you find any painkillers in the rain-forest?

A: Because the parrots eat 'em all.


I thought long and hard before hitting the 'post reply' button. Don't judge me.

 

[Theodor]

"Why are you crying?"
- "Tom kicked my sandwich out the window."
"On purpose?"
- "No, on grass."

 

[Theodor]

"How fast did you learn to ride a motorcycle?"
- "Not sure, five, maybe six...."
"Months?"
- "No, bikes."

***

I'm not going to name any names, but a leader of a big country, that is near Europe calls home, after elections.
"Honey, I won the elections."
- "Honestly?"
"Oh, shut up!"

 

[Theodor]

Imagine, being on a couch, after long day, relaxing, watching TV, when suddenly the phone rings. You pick up, and before you manage even to say hello, you hear: "Did you pick up the boy from childcare? Did you go grocery shopping? Did you take out the trash? Did you clean the rooms, for my mothers visit? Why are you not saying anything Steven?"
And you feel such a joy and pleasure in life, because you're not Steven.

***

A plane crash lands near a deserted island in Pacific Ocean. By a miracle everyone survive and get off the plane and on to the shore. Most of them are in panic, some are crying. Not everyone is at their right mind, due to shock.
Then there is this old couple.
He: "Did you pay the credit card bills?"
She: "No, I figured I'll do it when we get back home."
He: "What about the mortgage payment?"
She: "Same, I figured I have time, when we get back."
He: "We're fine then. They'll find us in just a couple of days."

 

[Theodor]

Mechanic: "What seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "My fuel tank is expanding."
Mechanic: "Expanding? How?"
Customer: "When I bought the bike, I could only fit 15 dollars worth of fuel in it..."

 

[R-Rated]

A new employee reports for their first day at work. While learning the ropes the newbie keeps getting warned to avoid the duck that works there.

Finally the employee asks a coworker, "Why?"

"Because the duck is always in a fowl mood," whispers the coworker.

 

[Theodor]

"Why do you keep sitting on that fuel barrel?"
"I'm trying to quit smoking."

***

"Dad, did you learn riding in the same school I am going to?"
- "Yes, that was some 25 year ago though."
"Now I understand, what the teacher meant, when he said he has not seen such an idiot in 25 years..."

 

[Theodor]

"Have you heard anything so amazing before?" asks granddaughter from grandfather, when playing him one of the new bands she discovered.
"Yes." replied grandfather, "when I was about 23, I rear ended a truck hauling pigs."

 

[R-Rated]

A mad scientist works late into the night on their latest creature. The lab glows from all the devices running.

"AH! SUCCESS!" shouts the scientist.

The assistant scurries forward holding a laptop computer.

The scientist pulls a lever and the lab table moves the creature from laying to upright as a small desk moves in front of the now awake monster.

"The final step", says the scientist with anticipation as the laptop is placed on the desk. The screen shows it is on eBay.

The scientist steps back and whispers the command to the creature, "Now, go do my bidding."

 

[Theodor]

Man is suspected of murder. There are tons of evidence pointing towards the man, but as the body was never found, the trial takes a lot of time and arguing.
In his finishing speech the defense lawyer says: "Dear jury, the door is about to open and the claimed victim, will enter." All jury members look at the door, but nothing happens. "It was an experiment," said the lawyer. "You all looked at the door, meaning you still all believe, that the claimed victim is not dead."
The man was still found guilty, because jury spotted, he did not look at the door.

***

Loud knocking on the door, with accompanying: "Open up, this is the police!"
- "What do you want?"
"We need to have a word!"
- "How many of you are there?"
"Two...?"
- "Then go ahead and have words with each other!"

 

[Theodor]

This Wednesday, police caught David (43), in the central market, trying to sell pirated Windows 2000. He was swiftly taken to a mental health facility.

 

[R-Rated]

A man was found murdered in one of the aisles of the local garden center. Witnesses identified the victim by only his first name - Herbert.

The detective made the statement that the victim should have known not to go into that aisle as it had a sign "HERBICIDE".

 

[Theodor]

A physicist, mathematician and an engineer are tasked to find out the height of a hotel building. They are each given $500 for funding their experiments and they need to report back the following day.
Next morning the physicist and mathematician arrive early and discuss which methods they used. Physicist went with dropping standardized weights from the roof and timing the duration of the fall. Mathematician went with measuring the shadow length of the hotel and a known length measuring stick, and calculating the difference. Near the end of their discussion a severely hung over engineer arrives and is immediately questioned by the other two, about his method. He replies that he just gave a tenner to the lady in check in register and asked her for the height, and then went to the bar, with the rest of the money.

 

[Theodor]

After giving me a thorough examination, the doctor said: "I'm afraid I will need to set some limits on what you can do, with concerns of your health. If you want to live for many more years, you should immediately stop smoking, consuming alcohol, fatty foods, sweets and exposing yourself to cold wind, like when riding a motorcycle. But most of all, remember to enjoy life."

***

When I brought my girlfriend to my place, the first time, she made a clever cheeky face and asked if I had something long and hard for her, that could make her moan. I handed her the mop and said the floor needs a wash.

 

[Theodor]

Police office asks from Chuck Norris: "So I understand, these two men approached you, on the dark alley?"-- "That is correct."
"And what did they tell you?"
- "To take off the boots."
"And you did?"
- "Yes, from both of them."