Joke Thread

[Theodor]

Sportbike guys discussing:
"So how expensive is it to ride one of those?"
- "Not too bad, about 3 fines per gallon."

 

[R-Rated]

Sportbike guys discussing:
"So how expensive is it to ride one of those?"
- "Not too bad, about 3 fines per gallon."

Reminds me of a conversation I had with a fellow soldier/rider back in 1994. He told me how great fuel mileage he got on his new sport bike. It was really good and much better than my old bike was getting at the time which had me stopping every 120 miles for fuel.

I asked him how often did he have to stop whwn riding back to the State he lived in.

He said every 100 miles because the riding position was on his bladder.

 

[Theodor]

Political party publishes their plan of action, for next term, as part of election campaign. In the plan they state that they will make people happy and wealthy.
By some accident they forgot to publish Annex 1 - List of people.

 

[Theodor]

President is about to give speech. There is a huge crowd. People are pushing and nudging each other, to get a better position. One man mumbles: "Can't see anything from here."
Another one says: "I can lend you my binoculars."
First one: "No need, I have optical."

 

[Theodor]

"Mom, I have a test in geography tomorrow. Can you help me study?"
"Sure. What is the capital of Germany?"
"Berlin."
"Very good. How about France?"
"Berlin, ask me something harder!"
"How about the capital of Poland?"
"Berlin."
"You're such a smart boy, Adolf."

 

[R-Rated]

A man sits at his breakfast table looking dejected as he drinks his morning coffee.
"What is wrong dear?" asks his wife.
The man sighs and then says he wants to go just one day at work without having to say "my God" in reaction to something.
"But you are the priest dear."

 

[R-Rated]

Linguistics experts have traced a phrase used in speech so far back in time that it is the likely around as old as the universe itself.

The phrase -
"There's a first for everything"

 

[Theodor]

Man is on a fishing trip by the Nile. He's sitting on a rock, angling, and suffering the heat. A crocodile pops its head out from the water and says: "Are the fish biting?"
Man: "None the whole day."
Crocodile: "Hot, isn't it?"
Man: "Yes, it is."
Crocodile: "The sun burns your skin?"
Man: "Yes, quite bad too."
Crocodile: "Maybe a quick dip, to cool yourself down?"

 

[Theodor]

God sends an angel to Earth, at the beginning of school year, to see how students are doing. Angel reports: "Medicine students are studying, pedagogy students are studying, engineering students are partying."
In the middle of the school year, God send the angel to check up on students again. Angel reports: "Medicine students are studying, pedagogy students are studying, engineering students are partying."
Just before exams God sends the angel for another mission. Angel reports: "Medicine students are studying really hard, pedagogy students are studying almost as hard, engineering students are begging for gods mercy and divine intervention."
God rules: "Lets help the engineering students this year."

 

[Theodor]

Member of a hardcore Harley club goes to the chapter president and in private admits to him, that he rode a Honda, for couple of days.
"What can I do to make sure I'm ok with the club?" asks he, somewhat worried.
- "You should eat couple of raw lemons, with peels." advises the chapter president.
"How does that help?"
- "It'll wipe that stupid happy grin off your face."

 

[Theodor]

"Excuse me, do you know if a Mr. Bird lives in this building?"
- "Indeed I do. There is a Mr. Hawk on the third floor and a Mr. Sparrow on the seventh."


Women talking
"How's your baby doing?"
- "Really well. And I found these amazing diapers that I only need to change after every few weeks."
"How's that possible?"
- "I was amazed too, but I swear, the package says: 5-6kg"

 

[Theodor]

Beginner rider stops at the red light. When the light turns green the rider wants to take off, but manages to stall the bike. By the time he gets the bike back to neutral and started, the light is red again. He gets somewhat anxious and because of that repeats the stalling as soon as the light turns green again. A police officer who was stopped after the bike, steps out of the car, walks calmly to the bike and says: "Excuse me! These are all the colors we have today, would you choose one of them?"

 

[R-Rated]

It could be said that due to the US Mint no longer making pennies, our government just stopped making any cents.

 

[Theodor]

There's this magician who is working on a ferry, connecting two countries. Every night he performs, at a specific hour. Life is quite easy, because people are new every night and he does not change his act very much. But there is a problem. His parrot, who has learned to talk, starts to understand how the tricks are done. Not only that, the parrot starts shouting, mid performance: "Why are all the cards aces of spades?", "You hid it under the table!", "It's not the same hat!" It's slowly starting to annoy the magician. One day he could not hold himself back, when parrot started revealing yet another trick, and grabs the parrot. At the same time, the ship collides with something, overturns and goes under. It all happens so fast, that people can barely get out. So there the magician is, floating in the middle of the sea for an hour already, parrot calmly sitting on his hair. When finally the parrot breaks the silence: "Fine! I give up. Where did you put the ship?"