Joke Thread

Theodor said:
Crow caws on an old oak.
"Death is near," says grandfather.
"How do you know?" asks his grandson.
"Life has shown." replies grandfather and takes aim.
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That reminds me of a bumper sticker I want to make that reads

Dead people stink.
 
Theodor said:
Two inmates talking.
"What are you doing time for?"
- "Big money."
"How big?"
- "A good 3mm longer than they should have been."
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Here is a money joke I heard in elementary school.

Three bank robbers are out in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night when the worst happens. All three are hit with the need to poo.

They realize they only have the money from the robbery. They agree that they will use the money from their individual sacks of loot.

First robber goes and come back. He explains he spent $140 because his bad had only $20 bills.

Second robber goes and comes back saying he spent $350 because his bag had only $50 bills.

So the third robber goes and comes back. He is covered with poo. He explains that he lost count because his bag only contained coins.
 
Drunkard finds a way home, after a session of several days. He has lost the keys, so he keeps ringing the bell, waiting for his wife to open the door. But when the door opens, it's another man. A stranger, who asks:
"Who are you?"
- "I'm the husband..."
"What do you want?"
- "I'm hungry."
"Is yesterdays soup OK?"
- "Sure."
"Then come back tomorrow!"
 
IT guy was taken to army training camp. Rifle was handed to him and he was ordered to take some shots at a target, in the range. He takes aim and fires. From the other end of the range a voice is heard: "No hits."
IT guy puts a finger in front of the barrel and pulls the trigger. The tip of his finger is history. He shouts back at the range: "My end is working well. Must be something wrong at your end, with receiving the bullets!"
 
Theodor said:
IT guy was taken to army training camp. Rifle was handed to him and he was ordered to take some shots at a target, in the range. He takes aim and fires. From the other end of the range a voice is heard: "No hits."
IT guy puts a finger in front of the barrel and pulls the trigger. The tip of his finger is history. He shouts back at the range: "My end is working well. Must be something wrong at your end, with receiving the bullets!"
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That joke may "trigger" some folks. :D
 
I jist heard Christmas is going to be a disappointment this year. Santa Claus woke up this morning at the cold North Pole to find his assets frozen!

:rolleyes:
 
Good joke but misses the target a bit, considering temperature in the Santas village (Rovaniemi, Finland) is just above freezing right now :D

Psychiatrist: "What do you do in the evenings?"
Patient: "Just sit at home, watch TV."
Psychiatrist: "No hobbies?"
Patient: "No."
Psychiatrist: "Do you at least go out sometimes, like dating?"
Patient: "No."
Psychiatrist: "Why? Do you lack the sexual drive?"
Patient: "No. It's not that. And I'm not impotent either, if you want to know that."
Psychiatrist: "What stops you then?"
Patient: "My wife."
 
Have a new year, everyone!

Absentminded woman wandering around the city streets, with her shirt unbuttoned and one of the breasts hanging out quite visibly. Police officer steps to her and says: "Miss, I understand you are young and have lots to show, but this level of nudity is not appropriate for the city streets."
The woman looks down and sighs: "I think I forgot my baby on the bus."
 
Theodor said:
Have a new year, everyone!

Absentminded woman wandering around the city streets, with her shirt unbuttoned and one of the breasts hanging out quite visibly. Police officer steps to her and says: "Miss, I understand you are young and have lots to show, but this level of nudity is not appropriate for the city streets."
The woman looks down and sighs: "I think I forgot my baby on the bus."
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New Minister of Health is on a tour in a mental hospital. The chief physician tells about their hospital and when passing some patients with interesting cases also tells a few brief words about them.
Passing another locked door he says: "This one here is a very difficult case. Believes he is the immortal Duncan MacLeod. We have been treating him over 200 years already."
 
Theodor said:
New Minister of Health is on a tour in a mental hospital. The chief physician tells about their hospital and when passing some patients with interesting cases also tells a few brief words about them.
Passing another locked door he says: "This one here is a very difficult case. Believes he is the immortal Duncan MacLeod. We have been treating him over 200 years already."
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Every mental hospital is allowed to have only one.
 
Three nuns died in an accident. They all end up at the pearly gates and St. Peter personally was there to greet them. "My dear ladies," he said, "As you have been so pure and holy with your life, we will give each of you three more months on Earth. You can choose to be anyone you want."
The sisters are very excited for the opportunity and each states their wish. First one says: "I want to be Sophia Loren." And woosh, she is sent to Earth as Sophia Loren. Second one says: "I want to be Madonna." And woosh, she is sent to Earth as Madonna. Third one says: "I want to be Sara Pipaline."
This takes St. Peter by surprise and he is browsing his registries, but he can not find anyone by that name. He asks her if she is sure about the name. The nun takes a ripped out newspaper article from her pocket and shows it to St. Peter, who then says: "My dear. This says: Sahara pipeline was laid by 500 men in seven days."
 
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