Mitch Hedberg


Modest Genius !
Jun 8, 2020
Brisbane, Australia
I ride a
Suzuki GSX1400
The comedy master may have left us 15 years ago but his humour lives on...

It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in, even if I don’t want one. By the time it’s done, who knows?

An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You should never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order’ sign, just ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the Convenience.’

I find that ducks’ opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I went to the doctor and all he did was suck blood from my neck. Do not go see Dr. Acula

I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

When someone on the street tries to hand me a flier, it’s like they’re saying, “Here, you throw this away.”

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish. They just want to make it late for something.

I was at a casino, standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking the fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I like rice, rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized.

I like refried beans. That’s why I want to try fried beans, cuz maybe they’re just as good, and we’re wasting time.

When I drive a rental car, I don’t know what’s going on with it, right? So a lot of times I’ll drive for, like, 10 miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the emergency brake. It’s really not an emergency brake, it’s an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.

My friend said, “You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.” I was like, “Dude, you gotta give me time to guess.”

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day.

You can’t please all the people all the time, and last night, all those people were at my show.”

I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool. It was 30 seconds long. You know why? Because that’s the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above-ground pool.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations I’ve travelled to, but first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
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