Joke Thread

[R-Rated]

On another planet two pistons walk through a desert and enter the oil bar desperate for relief from the dry heat and in need of a drink.

To their dismay the evil villain has taken over the oil bar and refuses to serve the local mechanical lifeforms.

"SEIZE THEM!" shouts the villian.

 

[Theodor]

"Mommy, can I go help dad, fix his bike?"
- "Do you know how?"
"I have listened dad, I already know all the words you say, when repairing a bike."

 

[Theodor]

... two pistons...

I thought this would be a knock knock joke

 

[R-Rated]

"Mommy, can I go help dad, fix his bike?"
- "Do you know how?"
"I have listened dad, I already know all the words you say, when repairing a bike."

Magic incantations handed from one generation of mechanics to another...

 

[R-Rated]

Two for one kids!

Why are cheetahs always great on the witness stand in a court trial?
Because they aren't lion.

Why are lions best at playing cards against?
Because they ain't cheetahs!

 

[Theodor]

Not everyone can help you, when you run out of gas, but Jerry can.

 

[Theodor]

Two lions looking at glasses, laying on the cage floor.
"That veterinarian was very good," says one.
"Yes," agrees the other one. "Shame there's not a bite left."

 

[Theodor]

This biker dude was just slow cruising in one of the national parks, enjoying the road and nature around. Suddenly a lady biker approaches from the opposite direction, and shouts from the bottom of her lungs: "Pig!"
The biker is astonished, but turns his head to look back at her and shouts, hoping she might still her her: "B*tch!" and hits a wild boar.

 

[R-Rated]

What is the most popular menu item at cannibal resteraunts?



Ground Chuck.

 

[Theodor]

Yes, but try to ground the wrong Chuck and you will end up with no teeth to chew it with.

 

[R-Rated]

Yes, but try to ground the wrong Chuck and you will end up with no teeth to chew it with.

Yeah that guy looks too sinewy.

 

[Theodor]

Police received a noise complaint. According to neighbours, loud noises have been coming from flat 6, day and night, for past few days. After some investigating police determined the cause of the noise was John, 36, battling his debts.

 

[R-Rated]

Someone recently told me that water is better to drink to fight fatigue than caffeine. They explained that most people are tired due to dehydration.

I replied, "That explains why mummies don't get up."

 

[Theodor]

"Honey can you be quiet for one minute?"
- "Oh, am I disturbing you?"
"No, no. I'd just like to hear if the engine is running or not."

 

[R-Rated]

"Honey can you be quiet for one minute?"
- "Oh, am I disturbing you?"
"No, no. I'd just like to hear if the engine is running or not."

That is when a pair of comfortable walking shoes comes in handy.

 

[Theodor]

True story from few years ago, in California.
Young girl runs from living room to kitchen and shouts: "Mom! Mom! TV is showing how our governor is running around the city, killing people!"

 

[Theodor]

When you go hiking, you need a reliable way of getting a bearing on North and South. Not everyone carry a compass all the time, so here is a good tip: trees can tell you a lot about North and South. If you examine a tree closely, and it turns out to be a palm tree, you are probably in the South.

 

[Theodor]

Did not make a april fools day video this year, so let me make it up by sharing few good jokes again.

In soviet russia, KGB demanded all hotels, that would in the future host foreign politicians, ambassadors etc. would be built using microconcrete. 30% concrete, 70% microphones.

*

In a small town beer factory, a man fell in to the fermenting barrel and drowned. As he was a good man and good employee, the factory owner felt that he needed to deliver the news to the fresh widow personally.
After weeping some time the widow asked only: "Did he suffer?"
"Oh, I am sure he did not," the factory owner replied. "I was told he even came out from the barrel twice to pee."

*

Prison inspector goes around inspecting a prison and happens to ask one of the inmates: "Why are you in here?"
The inmate replies: "Because they won't let me leave."

*

Four men riding in arctic, with a dog sleigh. Suddenly they see wolves running after them.
First man says: "My wife left me, my life is pointless anyway." and jumps off the sleigh and sacrifices himself to wolves.
Soon the wolves are after the sleigh again, still hungry.
Second man says: "Bank took my home. I have too many debts, why live." and jumps off the sleigh and sacrifices himself to wolves.
After a little while wolves are back, still looking hungry. Third man takes a pistol and shoots the wolves.
Fourth one asks: "Why did you not do that sooner? Our friends would still be alive."
Third man pulls out a bottle of vodka and says: "There was never enough for four."

 

[R-Rated]

This is from a real life thing a biker I used to ride with decades ago would do:

During the meal the biker grumbled throughout two helpings. After finishing off the second serving his friends asked him how was the food?

"TERRIBLE!" replies the biker.

"But you had two servings!" replied his friends. "Why did you go back for more?"

"The second serving was to force the first one down."

 

[R-Rated]

An owner of an Italian restaurant came home one day feeling sad. She looked at her husband who also was looking worried after he went through the mail.

"It will be ok honey. We will turn a profit soon. We just have to cook up a plan," he said as he put down all the opened mail and embraced his wife.

On the table the mail was all the unpaid bills. A few read "PASTA DUE".